These answers are from test papers and essays submitted to science
and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students
around the
world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars
can create
under the pressures of time and grades. And if that isn't enough, more
humor
follows at the bottom of the page.
Beware! This page will have you in
stitches! :)
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which
there
are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something
to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A
fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on
the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
"Equator:
A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate:
To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young
puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a
dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are
going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm:
A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving
a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart
stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move
up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For
fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand
instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply
artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To
prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head
cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This employee is not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far-- and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking."
"Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"Fell out of his family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
Here's a peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide ... an end user's guide to technical services. (well maybe NOT!!!)
1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.
4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
15) They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
14) This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.
13) Whew! Guess I left the top off of the Liquid Paper.
12) I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
11) This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people.
10) I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
9) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice yoga?
8) I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me go to.
7) Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
6) The coffee machine is broken...
5) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
4) Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
3) Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic.
2) I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up a contact lens without my hands.
1) Amen
New Lyrics to Beatles Songs
YESTERDAY
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's
a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here
to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
===================================
Eleanor Rigby
-------------
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a
dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the
machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where
do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for
the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users,
where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so
long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys
as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users,
where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so
long?
===================================
Unix Man (Nowhere Man)
--------
He's a real
UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For
nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null
goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your
command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.
==================================
Write in C ("Let it Be")
------------------------
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write
in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's
dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal
won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
=========================
Something
---------
Something in the way it
fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't
know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think
of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave
it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
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